Anyway, high school. My freshman year I still was pretty active with my youth group. I participated in things and I could talk to people there, but I had never felt comfortable sharing my faith with other people. At church when big youth retreats or Bible studies came up, I never went. I was always at gymnastics.
From the time I was 9, gymnastics became my life. It was not that I just loved it, my world revolved around the sport By my freshman year, going to practice was the most important thing in my life. It was not a bad thing that I loved this sport so much, but it became my life. I still went to church and believed, but I never took it a step further. It was October of my sophomore year that everything came crashing down.
One practice I hyper extended my knees on a bad landing. After all the x-rays and MIRs, the doctors said that I could not do gymnastics anymore. Needless to say I was devastated. I had always identified myself as a gymnast and now that was gone. I spent a year fighting depression and found myself seeking comfort in the wrong things. Without gymnastics there, I turned to my sort of best friend for help.
My relationship with him was already uhm, complicated. It was no secret that we had something there, we just never really acted on it. No gymnastics, so I turned to him instead. Now I lived for our conversations to get me through the day, like I had done for my practices. Soon my life revolved around him. I allowed a guy to tell me who I am and control my life with his words. He never said anything bad, in fact it was always good, but it got my head stuck in the clouds. I thought that I would not be able to survive without him.
After a failed attempt at a relationship, we fell apart. He had all of a sudden told me that it wasn't gonna work out, but after he pulled his life back together we could try again. I was already a wreck again and not even a month later I found out he has a new girlfriend. Again depression came and I felt like a shell of a person.
No one knew of my inner struggles, but him and I let him be the only support I would let it. I was too prideful and ashamed to admit this to anyone. Carrying around this hurt and pain, I still went through life just passing by. I was there, but never truly engaged in life. And I regret all that lost time that I spent either hung up on him or gymnastics, there is so much more that I could have done.
Soon the point came to where I never saw him anymore, but I still tried to hold on to him. After a few months, I realized what I had been doing. Instead of looking to God to fulfill the emptiness I felt, I had let a sport and then a boy try to fill that God-shaped hole. It hit me in church one day during worship. We were singing and I really took the songs we were singing to heart.
So what can I say
What can I do
But offer this heart O God
Completly to You
So I'll stand
With arms high and heart abandoned
In awe of the One who gave it all
So I'll stand
My sould Lord to You surrendered
All I am is Yours.
--The Stand, Hillsong United
"All I am is Yours." All my pain and tears, I needed God in my life. For so long, I had tried to hold onto everything that I lost no matter how much it hurt. I honestly hate change and I was trying to so hard to keep it from happening. Causing me to miss out on so much.
Cause I know that You're alive
You came to fix my broken life
And I'll sing to glorify
You're Holy name
Jesus Christ
--Fire Fall Down, Hillsong United
I had always known that Jesus died for my sins, but I never really thought about how he did come to give life. He also died to take away all the pain and the hurt caused by this world. My life was broken and he came to fix it, I just had to let him in. I had to let go of everything in my life that was hurting me.
With those songs, I gave everything up to God. I could not live for Christ if I was too busy trying to hold something out of my reach. When I finally let go and let God take care of anything, it was as if a huge burden was taken off of my shoulders and a cloud moving away from the sun. There were always people around my youth group that seemed to have this carefree spirit and happiness/contentment surrounding them, no matter what the circumstances and I felt like I had that.
I finally let God take his place in my heart and in my life, and it made the world of a difference on my outlook on life.
Now I'm still not perfect and I'm working to rebuild my relationship with him. But I take comfort in knowing that I have a Father and a Savior that loves me so much that he died for me. He cares about me enough to let me wake up each morning in a bed that is in a house. He has surrounded me with good friends that don't tear me down, but build me up. He has given me a family that also loves him and loves me.
I grew up knowing God and believing in him, but it took me a while for me to really give my life up to him. I fought so hard to hold control over my life, instead of letting God take control. He knows what he is doing, but I was too stubborn to let him and I got hurt. Since I'm not fighting to control every single detail of my life, I have the opportunity to truly
live.
Every day is another day that I am alive. I am breathing. I can walk. I can love. Now that I've opened my eyes, I am in awe of the little things God has put into my life. My story is about learning to let go and allow God to work through me and bless my life. I had to surrender everything to him, so that I may learn to live through him. One verse that I had tried to follow, especially after everything I've been through has been Proverbs 3:5-6-
"Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge Him, and He will make you paths straight."So give up everything to God. Stop worrying about what you have to do to make it. Trust in Him because he knows what he's doing better than anyone else on Earth. If you have faith in him, he will bless your life and everything will turn out okay. It may not be the way you wanted it to be, but it will be the life He planned for you.
Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death
Your perfect love is casting out fear
And even when I’m caught in the middle of the storms of this life
I won’t turn back
I know You are near
And I will fear no evil
For my God is with me
And if my God is with me
Whom then shall I fear?
Whom then shall I fear?
Oh no, You never let go
Through the calm and through the storm
Oh no, You never let go
In every high and every low
Oh no, You never let go
Lord, You never let go of me
And I can see a light that is coming for the heart that holds on
A glorious light beyond all compare
And there will be an end to these troubles
But until that day comes
We’ll live to know You here on the earth
And I will fear no evil
For my God is with me
And if my God is with me
Whom then shall I fear?
Whom then shall I fear?
Oh no, You never let go
Through the calm and through the storm
Oh no, You never let go
In every high and every low
Oh no, You never let go
Lord, You never let go of me
I can see a light that is coming for the heart that holds on
And there will be an end to these troubles
But until that day comes
Still I will praise You, still I will praise You
--You Never Let Go, Matt Redman
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